Hello, my name is Ili,
I was born in 1984 - and I'm a girlfag.


(When I translate this page in english I have one big problem. In german I use "schwul" to describe myself - which means gay-male - the contrary would be "lesbisch" (lesbian). So GAY is not the right translation for "schwul" because it includes lesbian, too. But nonetheless I'm going to use "gay" for "schwul" and when I mean both, I'm going to say "homosexual")


Unlike many other girlfags I never wanted to be a boy in my childhood. Quite the contrary - I liked being a girl. I liked pretty dresses and pretty shoes. Although I prefered playing in the mud while wearing them... But nonetheless: I may not have been a typical girl, but I never had any problems to be one.

Pretty soon it became obvious that I was somehow "different". I liked everything "gay". I can remember just one single question that I asked my mother about sex:  "Mama, how do gay guys do it?"

But it took me a while until I realized that I was indeed "different" - I was 15 years old and I was so embarrassed that I liked gays. I read secretly about "gay movies" in the television listings but I didn't dare to watch them. I thought that it was somehow perverted to watch a movie just because it was about two gay guys.
It didn't take long and I didn't read the movie summaries - but watched the movies in secret. I still felt strange and I had no idea why I was THAT interested in male homosexuality.
I tried to hide it. I used words like "fag" and other slurs - on the one hand because I wanted to use these luring words, on the other hand to make clear, that I had nothing to do with them. I never thought that far, that a word like "fag" would have never been seen as something that is connected TO ME, a girl. I felt like it was about me - although I knew (of course) that a woman could not be "gay".
But although I used slurs - I never hated gays - quite the contrary. I envied homosexual youths because they could come out. Back then I wrote in my diary: "I'd love to come out myself. But come out as WHAT? As a female gay straight?"

My first coming out was my coming out as a fan of m/m fiction (m/m = male/male). I met two girls online with whom I wrote a lot about m/m-books and movies. And I realized that it was obviously not THAT strange or perverted to like gay stuff.
Meeting those girls was incredibly important for me and my developement. Without them I wouldn't have been able to accept my affection towards gay men. Throughout the year I learned even more to accept it - and in the end it wasn't a secret anymore.
Almost everything I liked had a gay touch - and what ever had a gay touch was fascinating to me.
My friends asked me many times WHY I was that interested in this topic of male homosexuality. I couldn't answer this question. I could answer with: "Gays are hot" or "I just think it's interesting". Both sentences were true - but there was still MORE about it. Although I couldn't figure out what this MORE was.

There was a time when I believed that one day I was going to realize that I'm a lesbian. I was a woman - feeling homosexual. So I must be a lesbian, no?
But I wasn't a lesbian - so I tought I might be transexual. Maybe I wanted to be a man? Well, yes... somehow... sometimes, but - I liked being a woman. I loved my femininity and my female body - the longer the more.
I didn't find the answer so I called myself "somehow queer".

It was in august 2007 when I had this "click"moment: "You are gay. It's as easy as that!" And suddenly everything made sense. Well, not when you go with the standard definitions - but according to my self-view, my feelings. I didn't care anymore if other said that girls can't be gay-male identified. I WAS gay-male identified. I was living proof that it was possible!  
But... were there even more? More women like me? Those who identified with gay men withouth identifying as trans men?
I have looked for them so long online - but it took me until spring 2008 to find an article by Uli Meyer about "Girlfags and Trans*Fags".

I remember that I was in a state of shock. I was so happy and confused at the same time. IT WAS POSSIBLE!! There were even more like me! And they had united in online groups!
But you couldn't find those groups without knowing the term girlfag. Back then there was NOTHING online about girlfags or guydykes in german - except for Uli Meyer's article. So I decided to create a homepage to help others. I wanted them to have a chance to find useful information, to confirm that they are not alone and not insane - that their self-identification is a valid identity.

Queer femininity

As said above I believed for a while that I had to be transsexual. But I realized that I liked my femininity even more the older I became.

Now I think that I love my femininity and my feminine aesthetics like... lets say a Dragqueen or a gay fashion designer would love it. I'm just lucky that it's my feminine aesthetics and not that of another person. I feel connected to my femininity and it never felt foreign or disturbing. That's why I see no reason for identifying as transgender.
 
Some people cannot understand that I call myself a "gay man in a woman's body" but look like a "normal" heterosexual cis-woman and dress very feminine.
My more or less "heteronormative style" was one of the reasons why people could not accept me as "really queer". They expected me to be more "adrogynous". But it was the other way round: The more I dressed up, the "gayer" I felt, the more flamboyant I showed myself, the more I identified as a "fag". If I had to name my "male counterpart" it would be Emmett Honeycutt (from Queer as folk) or Mark St. James (from Ugly Betty). That's why I call myself a female fag.

 

Co-editor Paul'a

Hey, I'm Paul'a!

Ili has allowed me to edit and update
this homepage and post articles, of which I am very pleased. :)
You can read my whole girlfag story here. I was born in 1990. I am bisexual and non-binary: For now the term (cis)genderfluid is most accurate. (Pronoun: she)
My outward appearance is somewhere between boyish, goth, wannabe queen and cupcake femme. ;)

I identify as girlfag for about two years: Thanks to the great zine Queerulant_in!
After I discovered my identity, I held a gf/gd workshop at the Berlin "Bi-Camp"
2014, where the idea for a regulars' table was born.
I am a freelance journalist, I like blogging and my interests are intersectional feminism, creative writing and shooting short films.